Invalidating my feelings

6854933580_2c8b688306_z

The message is that it's OK to think or feel the way he or she does.

Validation occurs when we help our spouse feel unconditionally accepted.

On the other hand, it's extremely powerful when you allow your spouse to experience his or her true feelings and validate his or her emotions. One spouse's validating attitude confirms that the other spouse has a right to feel the way he or she does.

Remember, you can validate your spouse's point of view while still possessing a different viewpoint.

Most of us truly want to validate our spouse when he or she is frustrated or hurting, but often we don't know how to offer validation or we start to give advice.

I have usually found that if I validate Erin, she is able to work out her own emotional problems faster than if I give her advice.

Think back to the last time you really felt heard, understood, and listened to. You join their world and see things from their point of view.

Relationships that are the most successful are those where both partners share their inner world with one another -- their real thoughts, feelings and desires -- and where their partner, in turn, is able to really hear them.

Validation is an opportunity to communicate that your spouse's heart and emotions are important to you, regardless of whether you agree or they make sense to you. " • "You are not being rational." • "It's nothing to get upset over.

When you validate your spouse, you recognize, value and accept his or her deepest thoughts, opinions, ideas, beliefs and emotions. You shouldn't let it bother you." • "You should be over that by now." That is a pretty sobering list.

" What stops couples from making these validating statements?

Some people have a difficult time reflecting back what their spouse is saying because they fear it means they agree with that perspective or interpretation of the facts. I can debate for hours the particulars, specifics, figures, statements and events as Erin sees them. This not only helps her feel safe, it also takes us to a deeper level of intimacy.

Invalidation, on the other hand, is to reject, debate, minimize, demean, judge or try to fix someone's emotions. When I first read through these invalidating statements, I cringed as I realized how many of the phrases I had used with my own loved ones — especially my wife, Erin.

You must have an account to comment. Please register or login here!